I told my mom that I accepted drugs from a semi-stranger and got way too high and freaked out and called my brother because I was semi-hallucinating and couldnāt figure out if I still existed and her takeaway was āIām so glad you guys are close š„¹š„¹ā
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, yāall.
My motherās kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, thereās all kinds of stuff down there.
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
When people say āMay I ask whoās calling?ā I like to say āSure, go ahead.ā
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
Husband: Iām going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before theyāre chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
once iāve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, itās over for you ostriches.
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
This is painfully accurate š
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, itās not up to me to find these kids?
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Umā¦ A fast one.
Kids nowadays donāt know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were āInformah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwnā and we just had to accept it.
*eats 3 edibles*
ā¦amā¦.am I my dogs sugar daddy
but that was my emotional support daylight
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said āiām going to sleep, do you want anything?ā proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I donāt get it. You learned āsitā in like ten minutes.
Date: āSo, what do you want to be?ā
Me: āImpressed.ā
I donāt always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa MarĆa only to find Dora had already explored America.
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head Iād try to lighten the mood by being like Itās getting darker so much earlier these days
Iāve written a musical called Fish. Itās very similar to Cats, although Memoryās a lot shorter.
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, thatās obviously not working.
