I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
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[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
no regrets
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
Nobody ever talks about how Sodom and Gomorrah were walkable cities
ME: and make mine a double
WAITER: your…your tater tots?
ME: you heard me
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
Another Netflix price increase? Guess we’re only chilling now
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.