I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
You Might Also Like
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
telling a musician “great content tonight, man” after their set
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
I hope this email finds you in the paradise city where the grass is green and the girls are pretty.
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets