I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
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One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
can’t talk my ride’s here
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I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
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My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
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I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
Funny that all this nonsense just stayed in people’s heads before Twitter came along.
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
All generalizations are stupid.
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
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