Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Meatloaf is a good safe word.

It means I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that…

there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.

ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*

Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.

* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping

This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby

I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….

That makes 7,427 days in a row.

I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger

The title of my autobiography is going to be ‘You’d Think I’d Learn By Now, But Nope.’

“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”

“You mean the birds & the bees?”

“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”

when i say “i hate drama” i mean i hate being involved in drama. other ppl drama? big fan

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.

Interviewer: Take a minute to th-

Me: Arendelle.

my relationship with the mailman is pretty toxic. one day he brings me gifts and i love him 😍. the next day he brings me bills and i hate him 🤬. but he always comes back 😌

I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.

Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets

[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind

*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice

Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.

Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:

1. A gas pedal

I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.

If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE

Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.

“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”

-3 year olds.

As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.

ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done

Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?

Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.

Men: I think it started in the 90’s.

the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this

“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”

~My son apparently

Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.

Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?

My reactions

1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.