I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
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My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
Noted.
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
y’all made fun of plankton on spongebob for dating a computer and look at y’all now 💀
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
Honey I made you some hotdog water
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw