I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
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Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
Doctor: You have a disease
Me: Oh no!
Doctor: You can cure it with diet and exercise
Me: Oh no!
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
How many times should you punch the job interviewer to show how tough you are because so far they’re not happy with just the one
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.