I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
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Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
As long as I can dip something in something, I’m happy.
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous
me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*