Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”

*spends ages choosing a ring tone.

*puts phone on silent

I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.

I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.

Me: My sex life is like your car.

Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?

Me: Nope. Electric powered.

There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.

Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.

Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?

[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous

Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?

[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫

[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]

ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please

It’s not you.

Just the things you say, think, and do.

*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon

My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target

I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.

Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.

Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?

– my brain at 2:00 am

I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.

She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.

Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.

When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like

I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops

Me: You sound like a broken record.

12:

Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.

12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.

A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.

Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body

My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream

Don’t let hippos sniff mopeds
Or a deer chew your bike
Hide big wheels from gators
They know what they like
Geese love to rub rowboats
Ducks will tickle your van
Rabbits snuggle with tractors
Whenever they can
Squirrels smooch skateboards
If a door’s left ajar
And whatever you do

If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team

Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.

Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?

*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*