I told my psychiatrist I’ve been hearing voices lately. He told me I don’t have a psychiatrist.
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olympians only bite their medals because they are curious. they are not trying to to eat them. they just use their mouths to investigate objects like sharks
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
With a text.
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You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
KFC hitting the cannibal market
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*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
‘I have a migraine’
– An Italian farmer after harvest.
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
Labreador
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I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.