I told my psychiatrist I’ve been hearing voices lately. He told me I don’t have a psychiatrist.
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75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
I really hate when people derail normal tweets with their own upsetting lore. You’ll be like “it’s great when grandparents are active in kids’ lives” and someone is like “well ok but my grandmother literally went to jail for killing my parents and is currently on the loose??”
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
My husband ate the last chicken nugget so I’m single now.
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.