I told my psychiatrist I’ve been hearing voices lately. He told me I don’t have a psychiatrist.
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I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
Wow planes really have bad luck on that day
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
my son ordering a “well done” steak bc he thought it meant they would do a better job
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
Have kids so when they do the dishes there’s still a sink full of dirty dishes.
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
My old roomate who is extremely offline found out that I had a Twitter with a few thousand followers and now just texts me when he thinks his thoughts are worthy of going viral
