i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
You Might Also Like
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
