Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better

My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.

So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.

Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.

my astrological sign is a french fry

Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.

3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?

[leaving for vacation]

Me: Do we have everything?

Kids: Yes!

Me: Let’s go!

[5 min up road]

Son: Dad, where’s mommy?

Me: *makes u-turn*

Sure, it was awkward when my phone went off in church and started playing “Highway to Hell,” but I wouldn’t say it RUINED your mother’s funeral.

interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right

My neopet probably thinks I’m dead

romanian handyman I’ve known for two years came by today I said hey, how are you, he says “you do not need to say this”

I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.

PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!

MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*

earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that

LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE

Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.

Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.

I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.

Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?

Me: my children, now give me the ring

I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.

Kid: Everything poops?

Me: Kinda

K: Trees don’t poop

M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen

K: So we’re breathing tree poop?

M:

K:

M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?

Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”

And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”

What do we want?
SNACKS!

When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!

– kids.

Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.

Two words: No pants.

I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.

I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.

Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.

Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.

Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do

Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here

*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*

My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.