Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.

Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.

the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack

You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”

Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.

If poetry is dead, then explain this:

[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys

‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography

Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.

Received some very disappointing news today

*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?

Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?

My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.

My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk

[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]

“Oh peas no!”

[WHAP]

“Why u bean like this?”

[SMACK]

“Don’t u carrot all?”

[CRACK]

Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay

Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?

[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*

My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.

“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”

“Eels?”

“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.

What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.

[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.

him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]

me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]

I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.

I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name

[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]

“Hi, I’m trying to find a book to read and I don’t know where to start.”
“Well, let’s narrow it down a little. Do you want fiction?”
“No, I don’t really like fiction.”
“Non-fiction, then.”
“No, not that either.”
“Okay…”
“Does that narrow it down?”
“Like you wouldn’t believe.”

I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.

I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.

it may seem bad right now, but at least everyone is armed. and completely unhinged.

Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME