Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Olympic gymnast: does the most amazing thing I have ever seen in my entire life.

Announcer: Oh dear, that will be a point deduction.

people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”

*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola

[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]

AND ANOTHER THING

2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.

Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.

I went to an antique auction. Three people bid on me.

Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.

Live, Laugh, Love

Leer, Lunge, Lactate

Do things that start with L

if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.

This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart

Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.

Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.

king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils

*knights murmuring*

sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty

INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]

I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.

Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.

One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone

Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”

My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with

I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.

“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”

*nervous glance at dog

Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend

I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.

I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.

Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done

Me: thank you

Therapist: now you need to pay my bill

Me: no

DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are

ME: Ok

DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut

ME *lip starts trembling*

DENTIST: I see

mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]

If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.

As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.

(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat

A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice