Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.

Ladies, if he’s never gonna:

-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt you

He’s not your man, he’s tacos

Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.

Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.

Oh my God. Where are you?

Car keys: LMFAO

When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.

When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”

I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.

Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.

That’s because they’re coughy filters.

Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”

a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe

There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.

*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot

*Seductively stripping out of clothes.

Gynecologist: Please stop that.

How to shape your eyebrows

A thread

[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]

vending machine: i have a boyfriend

I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.

Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”

This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller

what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card

Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.

Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.

“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.

The world’s oldest person has died. Now they’ll be looking for a replacement, but if you’re offered the job, turn it down. It’s highly dangerous and there are way too many fatalities.

I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.

If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.

EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon

Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.

If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…

A bad parent with an ice cold beer.

[Last day of school for the year]

Kids: Yay!

Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]

I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.

Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?