Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.

I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it

They got Luigi out here like Hannibal Lecter, and the general public is still like, “WOULD”.

April 1st is the class clown of days.

my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point

Me: No more questions your honor

Judge: The lawyers say that, not you

Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine

Me: That took guts, LOL

Patient: Who is that guy?

Surgeon: I thought you knew him

Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.

The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.

Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.

Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.

Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.

Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.

Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.

At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.

I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.

Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong

A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.

nothing saves money like being antisocial

Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent

fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats

Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*

Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.

Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.

Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?

I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?

co-worker: hey-

me: what is it I’m very busy

co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv

[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]

You either have a full ketchup bottle in your house or an almost empty one.

There’s no in-between.

If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??