i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
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The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
When I was a kid I had to walk to Netflix.
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
I discovered my knee feels better if I take stairs at an angle. But now every time I walk down I have to sing Puttin’ on the Ritz.
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
my relationship with the mailman is pretty toxic. one day he brings me gifts and i love him 😍. the next day he brings me bills and i hate him 🤬. but he always comes back 😌
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
Thank you 🥹
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
Today on a tram, I told the driver that I loved Puerto Rico and he told me he shot two people who were breaking into his house there after hurricane Maria and left the island to evade charges and why does this stuff happen to me
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.