i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
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Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
AI is that friend who is always there for you but gives terrible advice.
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
accidentally became important at work n its ruining my life
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
Me checking my bank balance online.
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed