Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dog watching me set my burrito down when I go to answer the door

I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.

Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?

Lawyer:

Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.

I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.

I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe

They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:

You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.

Me: *wearing a short-sleeved button down with mixed flowers and skulls*

Super old lady at the pharmacy: “You know it’s a SIN to make me covet my neighbor’s blouse!”

Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.

Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.

replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.

(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.

(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.

[first day as chinese police officer]

me: guys…it happened again.

[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…

Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.

By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.

him, on one knee: will you marry me

her: OMG

onlookers: say yes! say yes!!

me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far

Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.

I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.

Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?

Me: how about a dog

Clown: one dog coming up

Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!

Clown: *stops twisting*

Me: ok a sword I guess

The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.

If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.

We need more people like this.

I’m going to be productive today

I’m going to be duct tiv

duct tav

duct tape

I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today

“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first

I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…

My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.

Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling

Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.

[spelling bee]

Judge: Your word is McConaughey

McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?

Judge: We have no idea

Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space