Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”

ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”

DOCTOR:……..

I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.

Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on

[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops

At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.

Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives

Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life

Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?

Hitler

On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.

Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.

Remember to think of others this holiday season!

me: this glass is too small

bartender: would you prefer a tumbler

me: yes

acrobat: what can I get you

8yo: You’re annoying me!

10yo: No, you’re annoying me!

Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.

So I went to the Doctors yesterday to ask him if he could give me anything for awful wind.
He handed me a kite !!
#mondaymirth

MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.

I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.

Orcas, if you’re listening, I hope you’re able to find Jeff Bezos’ $500M superyacht.

*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!

Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.

me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me

Bro sacrificed his freedom just for that joke

Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.

17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.

The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.

teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?

me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–

[Running away from home]

Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!

Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.

Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.

MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS

1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS

Me: Time for school.

5-year-old: But we had three days off.

Me: So?

5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.

Teachers don’t get paid enough.

OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]

11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.