I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
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Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
cop: where u headed
me: chuck e. cheese. gonna fight the rat
cop: [handing me his gun] good luck
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared