I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
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Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
“you need to step outside your comfort zone” i have $17 in my bank account
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.[buys a single banana]
87,000,000 fruit flies.
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
I don’t really understand the rules for Pommel Horse, so either this is all very impressive or I am witnessing some of the worst attempts to sit down I’ve ever seen.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
My funeral better have a fkn merch table
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.