Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else

Companies, stop informing me that my personal information may have been compromised, I just assume it’s everywhere at this point. Project it onscreen at a Taylor Swift concert, I really don’t give a shit.

Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.

my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s

I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.

While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.

I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.

The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.

Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.

How to walk around a museum

Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.

That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”

Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug

The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam

I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.

Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.

Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?

-my 5yo, planning ahead

Vacation is a time when every part of you can relax except your bowels.

“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.

Donating blood today to make room for more food

“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”

Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.

If you’re wondering what a mom brain is I just looked for the milk in the microwave.

dentist: u need to floss

me: no

dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth

me: really

dentist: in a fistfight

me: that sounds unrelated

dentist: it was my fist. do what i say

Your Czech is in the mail.

-Mail order brides

*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*

There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.

What the hell did you order?

– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving

My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself

“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”

*nervous glance at dog

Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend