I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
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So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
Eating Taco Bell shouldn’t count for calories because it’s not around long enough
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
Interior design 👌
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
🤭😂
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
If you’re the owner of a feathered chicken suit and you’ve never gotten naked and put it on inside out, get ready for a memorable night.
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them