Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

only targaryens can ride dragons?

explain this game of thrones

*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*

[crumpled up paper on floor]

*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…*

*leaves it*

*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*

“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend

Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…

Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣

I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”

Me, “*You’re.”

May have lost a new client but they learned something today.

[christmas]

BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!

ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.

COPS: We know you killed him

ME: I didn’t do it!

COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*

ME: wait no

MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS

Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.

[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my own

ME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed

[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT

LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.

‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch

[horror movie in 2169]

The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE

[entire audience faints]

Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.

After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.

*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.

*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*

teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like

me *raises hand*

teacher: yes good example

That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….

“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words

Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.

Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.

You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.

What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?

I’ll go first: I went to college.

Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?

Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.

One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.

Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?

I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.