Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.

boss: i’m always so impressed by you.

me: awww, wow thanks. why?

boss: bc you show up & do your work.

me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.

DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.

ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.

My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.

Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”

We have no idea if you’re lying.

Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.

“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist

If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?

Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?

Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.

dad: when i die, donate my body to science

[later]

me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go

I’m putting together a team

When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.

[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]

Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet

sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes

A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.

I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.

cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer

me: were they favorable

I need one of those breweries with like a hundred things on tap but for different kinds of soup. A stewery if you will

When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere

When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by

The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.

Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets

Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.

Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club

Guy: The meeting was yesterday

Me: I know

Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good

To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry

At Toys R Us:

TRU: Yessir?

Me: I want a light saber.

TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?

Me: 40ish

“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.

The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.

Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.

My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks