I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
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DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
I’m reading a podiatrist handbook. All it contains is footnotes
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
The Onion called it…again.
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.