I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
never forget
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
Water isn’t for putting out wildfires. It’s for powering a machine that lets me hear what it would sound like if Cartman read my grandpa’s will
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
