I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
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Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
First thing I do when I move into a new apartment is buy a drum set
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
Believing everything you read on the internet is the key
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
If you start a sentence with “Let me reiterate…” I’m gonna ignore it the second time too.
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
Other than that, Carrie, how was the prom?
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”