I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
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People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
How wrong was this guy?
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
Monday
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
they should invent a rest for the wicked
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct