I told my son to do something, and he gave me that ugh attitude. My daughter looked at him, “THIRTY SIX hours!” To remind him how long I was in labor with him lmao
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Met a drunk girl earlier who had a “half therapy dog” bc it had gone through part of the therapy dog training and then just decided to become a regular dog
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Me when I try to be useful
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
if 5 random white ppl come up to me & tell me they are imagine dragons im gonna have no choice but to believe them
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!