I told my son to do something, and he gave me that ugh attitude. My daughter looked at him, “THIRTY SIX hours!” To remind him how long I was in labor with him lmao
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Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
Yes, this is exactly right
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It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
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Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
i once fainted from a paper cut so if jigsaw puts me in a trap that’s a wrap. rip.