I told my son to do something, and he gave me that ugh attitude. My daughter looked at him, “THIRTY SIX hours!” To remind him how long I was in labor with him lmao
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me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
The 7 year old referred to some minor drama at school as having ‘almost caused world war one one one’, which I think is a beautiful example of saying something you’ve only ever read and never heard
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
This is the greatest and I won’t hear otherwise.
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
Bro sacrificed his freedom just for that joke
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
nobody sighs louder than an unemployed, debt-free dog who spends at least 16 hours a day sleeping
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway