I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
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[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
j o i m p
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
I’m writing a book of obitchuaries for all the people who are dead to me
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
How times have changed.
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
[getting up to speak at a funeral even though I didn’t know the person that well but I want to show off my new shirt] sometimes your mail man is more than just a mail man
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
Growing out my freckles.
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.