Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes

Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻‍♀️😂

You did. You thought of vanilla with meat, you absurd rutabaga. Go put yourself in the corner and think about what you’ve done, while blaming the recipe author for your own stupidity.
(Recipe was for Hamburger Steak with Onions and Gravy)

Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?

2019: “How you like me now?”

You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?

Meet my cat.

director: ok, hit the lights

me: *slaps a lamp*

director: no i meant kill the lights

me: *pulls out a gun*

OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/

Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”

[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911

velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery

scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery

“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York

there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion

Just saw a sign in a car saying “Baby On Board”

That’s no way to run a business, is it?

Presumably it’s a non-executive role.

I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married

My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.

Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.

Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.

I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.

I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.

My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.

Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.

I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…

I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.

Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.

My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”

Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?

Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax

The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores

BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]

Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.

Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.

My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?

Me: And this is something that’s important to you?

He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.