I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
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What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
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me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”![]()