Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.

So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.

I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.

I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.

Me: Have fun on your date.

Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?

Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?

“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.

Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?

Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength

Wife: I want to see some snow.

Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.

Wife: I’d rather see snow.

coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them

Human: *jumps*

Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur

Human: *pole vaults*

Kangaroo: wait WTF?

If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.

Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.

9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?

I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”

Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box

Explaining hardcore to my sister:
“Some bands yell their own name in the song and it goes SO HARD.”
My sister: “Like, ‘Shakira, Shakira?'”

I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.

I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.

2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.

My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him

Him: What long nails you have!

Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.

*dating is easy

I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.

[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*

“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.

In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.

I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.

“I can’t eat all of that!”

… and other lies I tell

Good advice.

I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.

[1st date]

*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*

Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?

“Sir, do you mean matinee?”

Dammit