Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t worry, guys. Together we can eliminate logic and reason on social media. I see some of you are already ahead of the game. Way to go

I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.

*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*

ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course

[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?

me: how much is this cordless mouse?

pet store employee: that’s a hamster

Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!

T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!

Doctor: How big were its horns?

T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*

Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.

greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history

Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming

My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.

dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why

Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now

Please vote for people who are attractive

What do you mean the band goes on at 9pm? That’s the middle of the night.

I see you have a meat smoker, but no wife. I will find you a sturdy woman in return for brisket.

A curse:

May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.

Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.

Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂

I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.

Heath: I’m Heath

Heather: I’m Heather

Me, competitive: I’m Heathest

My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.

*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*

NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.

doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”

You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.

– Me, flirting.

My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.

I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.

Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things

[God creating armadillos]

Shove that mouse into a seashell

bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me: