I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
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No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
animal planet had a show called “the most extreme” where they would do lists of animals. they did an episode on the deadliest animals. i was ten years old when i watched this episode and i cannot tell you how pissed off i was when they revealed that number one was “mosquito”.
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.