I told my therapist I was upset she raised her rates again and she said that while I can’t control the situation, I can do something to control my reaction.
You Might Also Like
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*