I told my therapist I was upset she raised her rates again and she said that while I can’t control the situation, I can do something to control my reaction.
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WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
Play the long game? You mean Monopoly?
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
you stereotypes are all alike
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone