Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.

Solving a traffic jam

Oh no Moo Deng noo!!

It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.

me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]

Later that night

Fitbit: time for bed

me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO

due date

I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.

GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!

GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?

Love is in the air fryer.

Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance

I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.

i still think about this 10yr old post a lot

My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.

Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, I’m never sending you nudes again.

i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic

*stops abruptly at red light*

*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*

[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*

I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.

FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that

‘Did you hear, Tim died.’

Oh no, was it serious?

realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some

LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-

*my phone battery dies*

ME: omg

WIFE: omg

ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me

When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”

If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.

Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!

Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.

ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*

Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.

Me: ok cool.

~6 mos later~

Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?

Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.

Ghost: [quietly sobs]

DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”

WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”

DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”

I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.

SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]