I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
You Might Also Like
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
Strangers have the best candy.
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
*weighs self after shaving
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
Buc-ee’s is truly a monstrosity. A convenience store so large it becomes the most inconvenient shopping experience imaginable. Even the name defies convenience. Autocorrect almost begs you not to find one or speak of this Godless temple of man’s excess. 5 stars
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
Become a minion. Get that bread.