Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”

cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police

One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.

Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”

I’m so single even my husband won’t match with me on tinder..

“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”

*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!

There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.

I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.

i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye

me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active

doctor: i don’t really need to

me: wait why

doctor:

me:

doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t

pelicons

“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!

My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.

7-year-old: What’s for dessert?

Me: Eat your dinner first.

7: I need a goal.

Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.

work smarter, not harder

Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.

wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll

You’re not my real can

*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*

I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.

me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*

death: quit it

If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks

Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]

[running into my ex]

Ex: omg it’s you

Me: yeah

Ex: we should exchange numbers

Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea

Ex: you backed into my car though

Me: look we’ve both moved on

[fast food management]

“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”

“What about ketchup?”

“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”

My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.

Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.

Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.