Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.

therapist: what’s your greatest fear

me: randomly going blind

therapist: i see

me: but for how long?

About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions

the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane

Me: Do you ever get a sharp stabbing pain in your head and groin?
Annoying coworker: No.

Me, angrily throwing away the voodoo doll

I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.

Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.

It’s actually Dr. whatever

I miss 2006 when everyone was young and dumb and easy to trick.

Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!

I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.

Best correction of the day, if not ever:

‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputy

THINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriff

THINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your hand

THINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for love

THINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’

had to share :’)

I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….

*checks notes*

…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?

Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU

This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.

I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5

Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.

I checked.

I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.

8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.

Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.

*at museum*

Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?

Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things

Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here

Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy

I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end

The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.

Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.

why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics

I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.

I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.

They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.

I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”