I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
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Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
Guide to being Batman
1 Lose parents. Inherit everything
2 Let people get murdered
3 Never murder the Joker because he’s the best at puns
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
Other people were raised to kiss the chef if they found a bay leaf in their food too, right? Why is this restaurant asking me to leave
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
There should be a rule that people have to say what they want from you BEFORE asking “are you busy?”
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.