I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
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[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
“HingeX subscribers go on 3x more dates” cool so what is 0 times 3
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.