I told my therapist that I’ve given CPR to 3 different people in 3 separate incidents at a particular grocery store and she advised me to stop going there.
That’s good shit right there
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One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
We’re possibly the most untrustworthy nation due to our inability to control our politeness.
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
yeah no that’s fair
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.