I told my three year old that AI might go away and he wept for five fortnights at the thought of losing his large language model mother (my AI girlfriend)
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I was up all night reading about insomnia
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
they put new cement in the entire entrance to my apartment and said i couldn’t leave for an hour so i climbed the wall to the next yard ran thru it and climbed over the fence on the other side and i’ve never seen 3 grown men look that freaked out in my life
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true