I told my three year old that AI might go away and he wept for five fortnights at the thought of losing his large language model mother (my AI girlfriend)
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
Meme Monday.
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
I get so cross when my 10yr old says I didn’t mean to do it after I tell her off about something. And then I remember that I said those exact words to my mum when I flooded the entire house when I was 14.
Went fishing and actually caught a fish. So now I gotta deal with this shit
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.