I told my three year old that AI might go away and he wept for five fortnights at the thought of losing his large language model mother (my AI girlfriend)
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My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
Me redecorating every room in my mind
AHHH!!! Don’t look at our website with a website browser!! We’ll DIE ! Use our app!!!!!! click this!!
[button that does not open the app, redirects to the app store]
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
You are what you delete.
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
Corn Dogs: Uninserted
Me: My name is Daniel Kibblesmith and I will be performing Defying Gravity from Wicked
Casting Director: This audition is for a water-logged corpse on Law & Order
Me: And I have some ideas
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.