I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
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I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
sigh
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
Someone came up to me today, holding a beer, and claimed to be the best ventriloquist in the world. But I think it was the drink talking.
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
banker: you’re spending more than you bring in
me: god forbid i’m good at something
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
I used to make jokes about sewing but I ran out of material
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex