Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When did white people become such fucking pussies?

If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.

Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.

According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to

God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then

restaurant
Waiter: Your coffee

Me: Could I have a little spoon please?

Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*

Me: lovely

“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah

I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.

Dear diary,

Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.

I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time

Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?

[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]

Not to brag, but my best yoga pose is awkward facing dog.

“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows

I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.

Oh…wrong toilets.

Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.

Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.

Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.

And now we wait

You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.

Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons

3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”

1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up

I’m soirée for my mispronunciation of French words.

Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?

Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge

‘I want to see other families.’

~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving

People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch

How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?

If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.

They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…

*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*

i don’t understand the parking brake in my car, like when does my car need to be “more” parked than it is

*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”

*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”