I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
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They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
My daughter had a before school donut party for track and an after school ice cream party for orchestra so I asked her if she had anything else coming up?
My 10 y/o as he walks by… “Diabetes probably.”
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
If you love someone, set them free . . . if they come back with a large pepperoni pizza and wings, it was meant to be.
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
I used to schedule naps, but now they’re little surprise parties my body throws at all hours of the day
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
I am patiently waiting for your email
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America