Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.

My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.

i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value

I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”

Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.

Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.

toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere

WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door

ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?

JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?

ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct

Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.

Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that

A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.

ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?

BRIDE: I said NO.

damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place

Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?

Him: so you like bad boys?

Me: of course not

Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-

Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do

teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot

I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.

“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.

her: i’m leaving you
 
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
 
him: who ar- wait what

me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*

[20 minutes later]

me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us

wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?

me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.

*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*

“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs

Untitled Goose Monstress

Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa

Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.

Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.

Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.

I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.

Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave

Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down

If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.

“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”

– the Pixar Logo