I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
You Might Also Like
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
I told my psychiatrist I’ve been hearing voices lately. He told me I don’t have a psychiatrist.
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
The symmetry is uncanny.
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
My daughter said it’s 11:11 make a wish and my son said I wish everyone would shut up so I think he’s ready for adulthood now.
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.