Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years

So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —

And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out

“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”

[whole room] “AFTER ME”

“Ok fellas, lets start here”

Got a pedicure with my wife and those spas have everything they need to dispose of a dead body

I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy

*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this

judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him

A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.

Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself

It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.

me: [typing] donkey kong

fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it

me: donkey kong no tie

fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down

The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.

Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified

Him:

Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣

At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.

WEBMD: Enter symptoms

Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin

WEBMD: You are a jellyfish

My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.

“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”

Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.

I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary

Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.

Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy

I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.

HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again

My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes

☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇

nurse: time of death

doctor: 4:19—

[i take one last breath]

doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot

Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.

i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won

nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…