I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
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If you know, you know
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
good work, detective
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
our love story in four pictures
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
Truly one of the great bangers
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
Not being able to see likes on comments is a tragedy. Love it when two people are arguing and you can see all their little backup dancers
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.