I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
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*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
That’s it.I’m out.
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
Best seat on the street 😍
If someone starts a sentence with “Words can’t express,” brace yourself, because they’re about to give it a hell of a try anyway!
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
Flex on your kids by asking “are we there yet?” before they do
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
In-person meetings at the office are a wonderful way to help your developers take a break from being productive
Walking home and massively drunk after a rubbish party, my life not the best it’s ever been, when a dog barked at me from someone’s garden, I barked back and ended up in a blazing row with it, all in dog language. God knows what its owners must’ve thought.
Optional boss fight.
