I told my vodka about you.
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I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
My 7yo told me that her friend Michael said the S-word. When I asked which Michael she replied with, “not Michael Jordan.” Ah, okay, it must be the Michael from school.
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*