I told my vodka about you.
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Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
Establish dominance at work by telling your coworkers they look tired before they get a chance to say it to you
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
Please, if you ever offer me a snack and I say no, ask me again, I didn’t mean it the first time
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
Sorry can’t, setting up an alarm on my spice cupboard so my mother-in-law won’t rearrange it
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys