I told my vodka about you.
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Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.