I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
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serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
im all 3
Instead of calling myself a babysitter, I wanted to mix it up and be original, so I referred to myself as a “kid watcher.”
Yeah, don’t ever do that.
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
I’m in a hotel and someone named Emily has multi mode turned on. Should I connect to her speaker and put on this playlist
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
Hey guys if anyone was thinking about asking me to cut their hair I’d strongly encourage against it and any further questions on that can be directed to my boyfriend who is now, as of 20 minutes ago, for reasons no one can quite pinpoint, more or less bald
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
I remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. He shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
My wife: Our daughter played Godzilla with her friend at school today.
Me: Wow! What were you?
Toddler: Godzilla!
Me: And what was your friend?
Toddler: Scared!
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.