Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve found god.

It’s my turn to hide now.

I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.

I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour

[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan

Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.

Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”

Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling

when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out

Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.

I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.

[at Hooters]

Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being

Waitress: look, it’s my choi-

Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters

Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help

Me: I went to the park today

Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that

Me *opens coat* this duck

I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”

Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.

Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt

Not to brag, but I just walked upstairs and remembered why

women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals

Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.

I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital

ME: and what are we going to do next time?

7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard

M: and for you?

7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911

Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.

How do you end an argument with a woman?

Tell her to calm down.

You’re dead now but the argument is over.

“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead

Age 20: Gonna make something of my life

Age 30: Not really going as planned

Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE

This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭

Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0

scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien

My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.

“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*