Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.

My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.

If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…

Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.

this came to me in a vision

I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you

Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.

I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?

What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket

Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?

Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–

Adults: ITS THE PHONES

I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.

idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page

If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.

Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”

Airport cop: The dog is indicating that you might have something. Do you have any illicit substances on your person?

Me, waving over another cop: Excuse me Sir, this guy thinks his dog talks and he’s asking me for drugs

I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count

People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.

Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped

I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.

You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.

-Disney

[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work

RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket

I need one of those breweries with like a hundred things on tap but for different kinds of soup. A stewery if you will

I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.

My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.

If I was a chef I’d be chefboyaredont.

Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”

Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se

kevin is now a local weatherman