Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids

Cult pretty laid back about my leaving.

#parenting

I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it

[Joining a gang]

me: so who do I stab for initiation?

members: again, this is a book club

Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.

Me: Same.

“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”

– Adam & Eve on laundry day

Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on

Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no

Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.

Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine

Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”

doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?

me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas

NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.

Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰

Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive

Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.

you: weird flex but ok

an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless

me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas

“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?

*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”

*gets laser eye surgery*

“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”

I told you, that’s not what—

*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*

Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman

I respect the moon’s unwillingness to be photographed on a phone

Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.

I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.

I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.

There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for life

So anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.

Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*

STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius

*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*

~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé

Hot singles in your area are eating chili.

Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College

A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”