I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
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I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
my friend told me he couldn’t hang out because he ate a handful of fruit snacks and I was like “um ok glucose queen go off” and then he was like “my mom was visiting and she combined my THC gummies and my melatonin gummies with my fruit snacks and I don’t know what I just ate”
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
I’m not lazy… I just don’t have the desire to come up with a more accurate way to describe myself right now
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
My mother had eight kids. She didn’t have time to cut our ham sandwiches in quarters. We just went to school with a bag of wheat and a live pig and figured it out.
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
Me: *opens my front door*
Mosquitoes: *tie little bibs around their necks and get out the barbecue sauce*
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
Watching the lawn mowing guy on YouTube. Always pushing the products. He’s actually got this stupid t-shirt that says “I’m sexy and I mow it.”
Mine should be here in a few days.
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.