I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
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my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
I finally gave up telling my Boomer mum there’s no fine for not rewinding the movie after watching it anymore… Netflix have people who do that after you go to bed, mum!
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
You don’t have to worry about me when I’m hangry but you should keep your distance when I’m sleevil (sleepy + evil)
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.