Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?

There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.

I just discovered that a serving of Oreos contains 8% of your daily iron needs, since most women don’t get enough iron it would be irresponsible not to eat several servings a day, you’re welcome ladies

I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.

I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat

Me: ‘I miss you.’

The Point: ‘No shit.’

It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.

In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together

Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down

my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.

Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.

I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.

I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me

1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later

2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants

When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”

Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”

Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.

what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet

[walking into a store on september 1st]

employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body

Disciples: ooh

Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood

Disciples: ahh

Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me

[Prison visit]

Me: I finally have a date for my execution

GF: WHO IS SHE

It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication

Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here

My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.

If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.

I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.

Kids forever killing vibes 💀

[being robbed]

Me: careful.. I’m ARMED

*whips out bible

Robber: lol

*pulls gun out of bible

R: oh

*pulls smaller bible out of gun

Dogs should be allowed to drive.

When I asked my son who the best reader in his class was, he said, “probably ms sue.”

LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.