I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
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“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
Well, this explains it:
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
Otters drive ottermobiles.
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
