I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
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woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
i don’t gossip at work i circle back for important new interpersonal developments regarding workplace associates
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
that lettuce in your fridge is now a souvenir
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
The first Ron is always Ron. Any Rons who come after are automatically MoreRons. I don’t know why HR sees it otherwise.
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.