I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
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my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
house sitting!
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
Establish dominance at work by telling your coworkers they look tired before they get a chance to say it to you
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
panicking because i don’t know how to tell the cicadas all that’s happened in the last 17 years
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man