Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Jury Duty is the worst” I get to skip work and sit in judgment of others. AND I get $30? Sign me up

[Thanksgiving Dinner]

“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”

“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”

Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.

Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there

First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”

[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?

Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics

*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*

Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors

Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.

Her: You need to stop playing video games.

Me: Why?

Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!

Me:

Me: I’m going to shower

6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!

Me: Aw, than-

6: just some make up would help

Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters

*skydiving*

Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds

Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?

Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?

I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.

Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.

Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me

Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”

I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab

[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunter

DAUGHTER: So I gather

Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.

I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.

And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.

Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.

If your problem can be solved by:

Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or Murder

Then you don’t really have a problem.

I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.

[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.

They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light

I like my coffee like I like my women.

Not banging my friends.