Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
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Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…