Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it

The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.

*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.

Have kids so when they do the dishes there’s still a sink full of dirty dishes.

So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.

“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”

BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?

ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning

BOSS: why a clown though

its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??

My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”

And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.

The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.

Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.

it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”

[being murdered]

me: this is free, right?

How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄

Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?

Because the rest were not-E.

“See you later alligator”

“In a whilst crocodile”

-why we fought the British for independence

A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.

My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions

Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant

My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?

i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers

She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.

Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.

I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.

Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket

Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.

if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world

I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.

I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.

Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right

Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*

me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this

waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?

WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers

ME:

WIFE:

ME:

WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers

you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart

Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!