Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died

“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”

-me, trying to put a crib together

I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.

*me, talking to my dogs

love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target

teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?

Edgar: *shrugs*

teacher: Poe, try

I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.

“Why did you leave your last job?”

-I had a typo in a tweet.

“Mistakes happen!”

-I worked for Yahoo Finance.

“Thanks for coming in. Bye”

embroidery proof arrived and as expected, it does not make my wife laugh

I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.

Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’

“Do you believe in past lives?”

I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.

I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake

My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.

Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time

6-year-old: Spill me some milk.

Me: You mean “pour.”

6: Not the way you do it.

Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.

Sam: No one else is here.

Sam: You’re here.

Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!

Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!

I said “temperature’s dropped!” to someone I always pass on my walks and he replied, “I actually thought it was quite warm today”

That is NOT in the script. You’re meant to say “winter’s on the way” or “soon be Christmas” or “nights are drawing in”… something that roughly…

Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.

Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.

Me: Go home.

I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”

Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING

i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.

Passwords:

Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious

“I’ll do it after I’m dead”

People that don’t know how death works.

Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?

mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day

it’s time for some pepper spray

-me, in a crowded elevator