I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
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“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
Restaurant toilets are dangerous!
So many of my dates have gone to use them and vanished!
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER