I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
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just gave your address to some spiders
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
Wife: Can you turn on the computer?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of computer]
Wife: why for everything
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
big day for dogs who love to absolutely lose their shit when the doorbell rings
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
I googled my symptoms and it turns out I just need this election to be over.
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house