I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
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He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
Guilty! 🤪
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
I strut into Bass Pro Shops knowing full well I’m a Bass Amateur
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
Look, when I invited you out for a drink I meant a milkshake with two straws, so don’t make it weird bro, I’m not gay
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
DAD: All I want you to do is get some water. This is the simplest task I can possibly imagine. Promise me you won’t bungle this.
JACK AND JILL: We’re on it.
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.